Confessions of a Teen Idol: Episode 1

Vh1’s new reality show, Confessions of a Teen Idol, follows seven television has-beens (two from Baywatch!) as they attempt to examine what went wrong.

The show opens with the world’s worst one-man show: A stiff-limbed Scott Baio, dressed like a desperate 20-year old (in touch with his “spiritual” side), delivers a preachy opening monologue he must’ve memorized ten minutes before call, introducing us to our guys which include:

  • Christopher Atkins: The boy from The Blue Lagoon is now building lagoons! I totally stole that from the show.
  • David Chokachi: The hot Australian guy from Baywatch…?
  • Billy Hufsey: This guy’s before my time.
  • Jeremy Jackson: The kid from Baywatch. Got busted for cooking meth and only got six months in rehab. B. S.
  • Eric Nies: The buff guy from the first Real World is now the Gary Busey of Confessions of a Teen Idol. Raw foods and holy healing. Don’t trust this punk.
  • Jamie Walters: “How do you talk, to an angellllll!” Whatever, I like that fuckin’ song.
  • Adrian Zmed: T.J Hooker. Now sings on a cruise ship. I wanna hug him.

Now, if this was a show about these guys when they were famous, they wouldn’t be nearly as lovable. Most of them lament their petulant youth, clogged rich with boozy logjammin’, painting the portrait of coked-out douche personified. Years of failure, arrest and bad luck has stripped them of said douche and now they’re a lovable bunch, egoless and amiable. Shows like this, devoid of elimination and populated by people who’ve actually, ya know, been through shit, are always much more interesting than the vapid fame-chuggers that populate most reality fodder.

There was an especially interesting moment in tonight’s episode when David Chokachi (I think he was the hot Australian on Baywatch…) threatened to bail after being “punked” by the show. He didn’t want any of the theatrics that accompany most reality shows, expressing the trepidation he faced when making the decision (something that is so rarely chronicled on these shows). He wanted a beneficial experience, he wanted positivity. The man wanted to revive his career.

Thus the gamble of trying to accomplish such things on the same network that airs Hogan Knows Best.

Let’s not forget who’s at the helm of this self-professed “experiment.”

WAYNE! Who now looks like frosted chach:

The show hangs its concept on the word addiction, which I don’t necessarily think its earned. What’s especially unsettling is how this word is bandied around by seemingly everyone (Baio, Hervey, the shrink) but the participants. These guys don’t come off like their addicted to fame, and none of them (I don’t think) explicitly states that they’re desperate for that old glory. This isn’t crack. This isn’t porn. They’re just looking for work. They’re entertainers, right? They don’t wanna be Brody fucking Jenner, they want acting work they can be proud of.

Does wanting something you once had but no longer have equal addiction?

I mean, I used to live by a Moe’s. I went to that Moe’s at least once a week back then. It was great. I ate up those burritos, I indulged. Moe’s was a tangible part of my life. Now there are no Moe’s. At least not anywhere near my apartment. And yes, I wish there was a Moe’s that I could attend. Does that make me addicted to Moe’s?

Looking at a few of their IMDB pages, I didn’t see much work on the horizon. And that this point, that kinda makes me sad. I’m rooting for Nies especially…although I’m not really sure where his talents lie…

From the ether:

  • How defensive is this shrink? She strikes me as a mediocre improv actress.
  • “Does anyone have Jason Hervey’s number?!”
  • “I don’t give a fuck what Jason Hervey’s gonna say to me!”
  • I might keep watching this just for Jason Hervey quotes.

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One Response to “Confessions of a Teen Idol: Episode 1”

  1. turpentinestevens Says:

    Moe’s lovingly dumps crack cocaine into every burrito.

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