Bromance: Pilot

 

There’s a few things you need to know about Brody Jenner:

 

1)     Every man wants to be him, and every woman wants him.

2)     He’s real.

3)     Always expect the unexpected.

 

And I have a confession, guys. I expected the expected. After MTV broadcast Paris Hilton’s search for a new BFF, I expected Bromance (produced by Ryan Seacrest, by the bye) to be the male equivalent; a reality competition featuring a motley crew of vacuous succubae, eager for the exploitation and humiliation that earns friendship with a comically overloaded socialite.

 

But nope. To quote Brody at the end of this week’s episode, “It started out as game and became something real…Bromance.” Hang this over a montage of sobbing eyebrow rings and you’ve got a recipe for catharsis, self-discovery and the true meaning of friendship. Could Bromance shatter the molded plastic that encases not just the hearts of these nine potential “bros,” but of our “Yeah, woot, dicks and tits” society?

 

bromance_mtv-007513

 

Forgive me. I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

What happened in this episode?

 

Brody told us we’ve probably seen him on The Hills. We meet his two current “bros” Frankie and Sleazy T.

 

 

To be honest, Frankie comes off a lot sleazier than T, and doesn’t fare nearly as well when scripted. If you’re as interested in Sleazy T as I am, you can read five facts you want to know about this rising star here: http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2008/12/29/five-things-you-want-to-know-about-bromances-sleazy-t/

 

Once you’re done with that, watch the video below to get an sense of why Brody needs a new bro.

 

 

See, Bromance isn’t Brody Jenner’s lackluster attempt to stay in the deadlights. He’s obviously in desperate need for someone who won’t vomit awkward with every sentence. And guess what? Frankie’s jealous.

 

 

If they play this shit up, the Frankie Factor could become my favorite Bromance subplot.

Anyways, onto our nine heroes (there’s a character breakdown below). We meet them as they’re kidnapped from their hotel rooms (totally unexpected…unless you watched the first couple seasons of Road Rules), a few of them sporting what I’ve dubbed, “Brody Boners,” or “BROners.”  

 

In their underwear, with black hoods over their heads, they were then shoved into an elevator and told by their captors that they need to “shut up and think about what’s going to happen to you next.” Brody, Seacrest and the producers obviously took some inspiration from Abu Ghraib. The slow motion, drug-swirly music didn’t do much to lighten the mood, either. It’s these deliberate choices that always induce the pursed-lip-head-cock from me.

 

For their first competition, Brody sends them to the streets to pick up hot chicks for a lingerie party. No chicks = no entrance to the party (although the losers got in anyway). The potential bros offer a toast (or “broast”…thanks, Alex). Some are awkward, some aren’t bad. Highlights:

 

  • Gary: “If you don’t have friends, get some.” Brody (to Frankie): “He’s right. He’s right. “
  • The distinct titters of uncomfortability when Alex uses the phrase “bromosexual.”
  • Jered: “Live it up and…true friend is hard to find…so I’ll show you…that’s what I am…true friend.”

 Luke wins. Brody says it was a tough call but that he went with the dude with the hottest chicks. I’m puzzled. Were there any other criteria?

 

I was especially amused by the way MTV kept the cameras away from Jacob’s plus-sized guests. Brody might as well have “No Fatties” tattooed to his forehead. But whatever. This section is getting long and I’ve got plenty left to discuss. Bullets:

 

  • Luke and Brody paint the town, awkwardly beg their female guests to kiss.
  • The revelation that someone is going home comes off as a massive shock to the dudes. Really? Don’t we all understand the format of these shows by now?
  • Gay Mike goes home willingly. My thoughts below.
  • Jacob: “Real knows real.” Brody: “That’s one thing I am: real.”

Apparently real doesn’t know real as well as real thinks it does. Really.

 

In a “hot tub elimination” (complete with plenty of “so-not-gay” slow shots of Brody’s torso) Jacob gets sent home. The rest of the dudes party in the hot tub. So not gay.

 

Speaking of, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point the cunning way Bromance (produced by Ryan Seacrest) navigates the “gay” aspect of this whole enterprise. If your target audience is frat dudes, trixies, boppers and anyone else who still watches MTV, how do you strip the gayness from a premise that lends itself to man-on-man love? Brody, Seacrest and co. obviously thought this out good and hard, falling back on certain standbys such as:

 

  •  The guys are staying where? A REMODELED FRAT HOUSE.
  • First mission? PICK UP HOT CHICKS.
  • Bring them where? LINGERIE PARTY.
  • Re: Gay Mike? Brody says gay dudes are surrounded by hot chicks so he should surround himself with gay dudes.
  • What does Brody like talking about? WOMEN. With an emphasis on the importance of male FRIENDSHIP in the fallout of hismany liasons.
  • But can Brody get chicks on his own? Of course. He took a special moment to remind us that he would have no problem gathering hot babes for a lingerie party. This is THEIR challenge.  
  • Does he like babes in bikinis? Brody’s transparent need to “rewind” the montage footage gave us a nice hetero ending to the episode.

It reminds me of that 80’s cliché where the two dudes on ladders spy on a slumber party, see boobs and in a moment of carnal transcendence slowly topple, ladders in hand. Dudes want to see naked babes. Brody likes babes. Especially naked ones. Brody wants somebody to fall off the ladder with, ’nuff said.

 

Anyways, the producers are thinking: How do we eliminate the homoeroticism without directly addressing it? I know! We bring a gay guy on the show. This gay guy does his best to fit in. Everybody treats him with respect. He does well in the challenge. He is on his way! Unfortunately, after spending a night with the rest of the guys, gay guy realizes everything’s cool but it’s just not for him. He wanted an episode of The Hills. This is not The Hills. This is a frat house. These are straight guys with straight issues (ya know, like banging chicks n’ shit). He and Brody have an amiable parting, and Brody offers to drive him to the airport.

 

See? Brody likes gay dudes! The show gave him a chance. Brody gave him a chance. But he WANTED to leave! Brody didn’t eliminate him! All in the first episode! Everyone’s happy. Everyone wins. I guess?

 

See, something rubs me funny. Mike leaves, yet nothing changes. The elimination continues as usual. If a bombshell like this was dropped in the FIRST episode, wouldn’t the producers decide to not eliminate anyone this episode? Don’t they have a certain block of episodes to fill up? And to have two cast members leave in episode one, wouldn’t that upset the equilibrium? Also, Brody says he’ll drive him to the airport (meaning, seemingly, right then, since he was on his way out). Shouldn’t he sort out a flight plan first?

 

Clever conspiracy? Maybe. Maybe not. I ain’t sayin’ nuttin. Think about it.

 

Thoughts from the ether:

  • Tokyo Police Club?! On Bromance?! Check out “Cheer It On” in the background as the guys attempt to round up the babes.
  • I know I’m harping on Frankie, but in the bar scene he reminded me of a sad showbiz kid forced to act by his mom. “Don’t look up, just say the lines. Then I can go home and play with toys.”
  • Brody and his posse’s reactions during the toast reminded me of the observers in that Chappelle show sketch where he’s playing tennis and bowling, etc. (“That’s the baddest motherfucka I ever seen on the lanes!”)
  • When the lighting is not so flattering (like when Brody hugged Luke goodnight), there is something distinctly different about Brody. I can’t put my finger on it. The same goes for Frankie and the Sleaze. I wonder how they smell. I feel the answer could be there.

     

     

     

So that’s that. Episode one. As a primer for the rest of my reviews, let’s meet the cast and call it quits:

 

Alex: Lovingly dubbed “Caveman 1” by yours truly, Alex has earned this title by looks alone. His hulking frame, dim eyes and nondescript crew cut paint him as your local paint-stained yokel, downin’ shots of Jag as he drives home on a Wednesday night. But Alex carries a childlike naiveté about the big city that comes off as charming instead of pathetic. I could see him going far, but his backwoods aesthetic strikes me as make-over-proof…and Brody needs a stud.

 

Chris F: Our token non-black minority, Chris F. strikes me as the nerd invited to sit at the cool kids table. He’s got jokes but sometimes seems to be trying really hard to assert his manhood. Example: After a well-spoken toast to Brody (“I don’t care if you were on The Hills. I met you today and I saw you”) he had to awkwardly remind everyone he brought a hot girl the party.

 

Chris P: This guy’s trouble, but I smell a contenduh. His desire to ride on his own charm instead of exploiting Brody’s name in the challenge said a lot…even though it cost him. His desire to take his shirt off constantly…not so good. Twenty bucks his Facebook photo’s him shirtless in front of a mirror.

 

Femi: What can I say about Femi? A break-dancer who can apparently spin on his “dick,” Femi talks to hot girls in his “sleep.” He’s also got an ego. Nobody likes a boaster (buh-buh-buh-BROaster?) and while this guy will make for some chuckles and “oh, shits”…I don’t see him walking into the sunset with our man Jenner.

 

Gary: This guy drips with the kind of self-deprecation women find irresistible. And that hair? This guy gets more ass than a toilet seat (thank you, David Lynch). His assertion that history was in the making, though? That was either taken hardcore out of context, or Gary’s gotta review what’s playing on the History Channel these days.

 

Jered: I have to wonder if the spelling of his name was an error on his application. Jered, lovingly (oh so lovingly) dubbed “Caveman 2” by this mothertrucker is so intellectually stunted that it bleeds through his every orifice. Watching this guy piece together a sentence is like watching a gorilla thread a needle. But God bless him. He’s our lovable lug.

 

Luke: The winner of the challenge. Luke describes himself as the class clown “seven years running,” which means he discovered his call to clowning sometime in mid-high school. A late bloomer, G-d bless him. His voice reminds me of that Simpsons episode where young Homer does a JFK impression. His cha-chi limo toast: “To virgins and lesbians: thanks for nothing,” reminds me of that skinny guy at frat parties who hopes his jokes will get him friends.  

 

Jacob: Douche. Glad he’s gone.

 

Mike: I liked him, even if he was a plant. Fuckin’ Seacrest.

 

Coming up: Rock of Love Bus season premiere. How many synonyms are there for “trash-skank”? Also expect a review of episode two of Bromance Monday or Tuesday night.

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5 Responses to “Bromance: Pilot”

  1. Francie Says:

    This is fantastic.

    MTV? Staging real-life situations? Surely you jest…

    I might have to start watching this. Congratulations.

  2. turpentinestevens Says:

    Dude. Sleazy-T was in the episode where JB stole Audrina’s flower? That was a really great episode.

    I feel like this is what happens when The Pick-Up Artist 2 and Friends has a baby. I really wish MTV used birth control.

  3. katiecanavan Says:

    “bromosexual”

    amazing.

  4. Marina Says:

    “No Fatties”.

  5. coffee Says:

    i had to give up trying to watch Bromance after a few minutes, it’s ridiculously awkward

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